Stuck In Reverse.

God, Biology's on Thursday. What the HELL am I doing online.

Yes, I've broken my resolution already. And it's still January.

But fuck that crap; I need to get this recorded somewhere my mother can't find. She's been rooting through my stuff lately.

So I've been feeling this odd sensation for a few days now. It's not so much a feeling than a lack of it; but still, I need to describe it somehow. It feels hollow. There is no squirming Squid in my chest anymore; rather, it seems to have manifested itself into a sort of skeletal, grayish void. Like a sort of cavern, except without the beauty. The only similarity between the two is the same old asphyxiation, in the same area in my chest.

It's like being alone, no matter where the fuck I find myself. Though I'm going to hate myself for sounding like a hypocrite, it's like being in some sort of despair of some kind. It's a fucking whoopsy-doodle that came out of nowhere. I refuse to cry, but holding it back gave me a small migraine today, during my Chem/A Math period.

It came so suddenly. The realisation that I was never going to amount to anything, the way I was going. How much money do artists actually make? No, seriously. I didn't even have enough to go to NAFA. And I doubt my relatives would want to support me. Who supports the aesthetically inclined paupers in paper-chasing Singapore? Only the tourism board. And the middle to upper class.

Reality check. I'm from the working class. With a mother who works a nine to five job at some soldering factory, an older sister who works as a clerk and comes home in the ungodly hours of the night, and two younger siblings who obviously are about the most unpromising fucks I could ever meet. Everyone's looking at me expectantly. They wanna see magic; they wanna see money. Everybody wants to see money, because everybody is sick and hateful and tired of the life we're having now. We hate dad. Fuck that bastard. So what comes first? Education.

Look at her, she's a gone case.
She was so bright in primary school; what happened along the way?
It was her father, that's what.
Oh, poor girl. Pity the mother; she tries so hard.

FUCK YOU, OKAY? He had NOTHING to do with it. If it was anything, it was me. I just got sick of everything and everyone along the way. I just got jaded. I just lost the meaning of it all. Why even TRY? Why even LIVE? How does that feel? You're shocked now, aren't you? I'm selfish, I know. Say it to my face. While you're at it, why don't you just go and fucking take a knife and stab it as well? I just want to die, just crash and burn and be curled up, stuck in some dark hole for the rest of eternity where nobody cares and nobody bothers.

Because the way I see it, it really, honestly wouldn't interrupt anybody else's life if I just slashed out my own.