Dreams.
Do you continue chasing them even if the whole world seems to be conspiring against everything that you want?
No matter how much you want something, there will be the inevitable self-questioning once your ideals are challenged. You start to wonder whether you were ever meant to be in the whole scheme of things you've planned out in the first place. Was it ever right? Was it even wrong?
It's one thing if you're the only one feeling the pressure. It's another when someone else gets dragged down as well. Even more so when that other person is someone you care about the most.
I don't understand why you'd want to go through all this for someone like me. I'm not a good person. I never have been. I lie, I cheat; I've even stolen. It would've been so much easier for you to just drop everything and move on. I don't want you getting into trouble. I've told you; even if you left, I'd still be so, so very happy. At the very least, there's some part of you that believes now. At the very least, I have the memories.
But if you're adamant on staying, I won't stop you. I won't disappoint; at the very least, I'll try not to hurt. "She needs to get hurt", she told you. A small part of me fears this so much. I've hurt people before; I can just as easily do it again without meaning to. And that's the very last thing I want to do.
Sometimes I wonder what you see in me. You never seem to have a solid answer.
Not knowing that elusive redeeming quality is the very thing that fuels these questions. And I start to wonder whether I'm even worthy to hold on to the ones I care about the most.
But all that doubt and insecurity dissolves when I see you smile. In that small moment in time I can actually believe that there's something in me that you think is good enough to hold on to. In that small moment of time, there's nothing but sky, sunlight, warmth, and a quiet sort of joy.
In that small moment of time, I feel that there's hope for happiness yet.
Hohoemi mo namida mo subete wo
Uketomete ikiteku mirai ni.
