God, I Suck.

And I mean the above in a 'GAWD, I sssssuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh-ckk' sort of way, scrunching my face up for effect.

To my fellow debaters and class, you guys did super well. Especially ZJ, who was honestly flipping out beforehand. You guys made our class proud. I'm just really, really sorry I couldn't do as well. I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me somehow, because I honestly can't forgive myself right now. I just can't believe I completely blanked out in front of two classes, WITH all my points right in front of me.

I had my stuff.

I was prepared.

So why the hell did that happen? That was totally uncalled for. That was not part of the plan. I wasn't supposed to freak out. I wasn't supposed to just freaking WALK OUT on the whole thing. That was a disaster. That was a total, complete disaster and it was because of me that we lost. That's why I'm so disappointed with myself. If I had just kept calm, do what I was supposed to do and FOCUS...even if we lost, I knew I put up a fight.

But I didn't.

I just went paper-white, empty porridge-bowl-blank.

I don't know what exactly happened; maybe it was because I was up against my friends. Maybe I got intimidated. Maybe I couldn't think up anything against the preposition fast enough. Maybe it was the motion. Whatever it was, EVERYONE went through it. So why didn't I make it?

Nevertheless, being the innocent souls they were, they applauded after I was done, even though they should've been stoning me instead. And even though I was on the brink of climbing the giant metallic structure behind me and hurling myself off the top in an attempt to commit hara kiri, I still managed to bearhug Trishna, Sally and Masyitah. I'm just really angry with myself for not giving them something to work against.

This was an easy victory for them.

This was honourless for me.

God, I suck. I suck so bad.

Thank for trying to make me feel better, guys.

This cheered me up a little bit.